Ok so HERES TO MY FIRST BLOG!!! I am super frustrated lately. I DO NOT know what to do with everything. Everything as in life in general. School is almost finished. THANK GOD! But then what? I take a short break and what? WORK? Chill out and do NOTHING. Sounds good to me but I know that is SO not happening. A girl can dream right?! So I will be taking a break for sure but I'm afraid that I will not want to go back. I'm hoping everything will fall into place and that life will be the way I want it but I know I that will take a miracle. On to my non existent love life. So there are 2 boys I have in my life that are somewhat meaningful. We have J my online BF...yes we met online. I did the whole lie thing to him about the way I look b/c I'M FAT! Not huge like 1231564163 lbs but big enough to always be the friend and not the girl friend. After a month or so, I told him how I looked and sent him a pic. He said it didn't matter blah blah. I think it does. We've been talking now for a year and 5 months. We kinda stopped talking in April of this year b/c of something so stupid. That was when I cried for a few weeks. I then realized that I was WAY to into the relationship and that my ♥ was broken. After 3 weeks, he finally called me to "SURPRISE" me. He "missed" me blah blah. I had basically given up on us and went on. We talk now, but not every day. Its just different. I don't want to get into it all over again. Then there is K my 19 yr old FWB(friend with benefits in case u don't know) SIGH!!! Where do I even begin with this one?! I know its my won fault for even starting anything with this one. He can be a sweetheart. However, he can be a real douche bag. We went out with friends to the bar. On of our friends was there also, we will call him Banks. So, Banks was "all over me" as K put it. Not really. We were in a bar, in the ghetto, sitting on stools talking. He had to be somewhat close to me for me to be able to hear him. Anyway, so here we are @ the bar. Things were fine, NO DRAMA! Or so I thought. I drove K home and we talked about the fact that Banks said he liked me or something like that. I tried to avoid the subject. If he did or didn't I really did not want to hear it. So, days go by and I am @ work talking to another friend of mine. We will call her May. SO May and I are talking and she basically told me how jealous K was from the night @ the bar. I was like WTF for? Nothing happened. He said Banks was all over me and it was pissing him off. SO, May asked me what I think about the situation. I was like OK, first of all, NO ONE was all over anyone. She then decided that him and I need to just hookup and get it over with. We would make beautiful babies together. WHATEVER! SO I told K what was said and he was all smiley and was like, DO YOU think we would make beautiful babies? I said I know I will b/c I am BEAUTIFUL. He laughed. That night me, K, and May make plans to go to dinner. At the time we were leaving who shows up? BANKS!! SO, the four of us go to the disaster dinner. Plans were to hang out 'till whenever. OH, how plans have changed. After dinner, K asks me for a ride to his friends house b/c his so called GF was there without him. OH yes, his GF. I was SO MAD b/c we had plans and I got ditched. I took him to his friends house and went back to my APT and turned my phone on silent and went to sleep. I woke up to a few missed calls and 2 text messages. I sent him some rude texts that day the apologized. He invited me over along with another friends of ours named Bob. SO, I drank WAY to much vodka. I ended up throwing up and we went to bed. Me and K not Bob. lol. I get y they call being drunk Liquid Courage. I fed K Altoids not with my fingers but with my lips. WHO DOES THAT? Anyways, we made out. NO SEX! That's the basics. Since then, we have hooked up a few times. Talked on the phone for endless hours. And now WE don't talk hardly ever. People say we fight like a couple. He does not like that one bit. I think its funny. The part that hurts me the most is that he is RUDE to me. I know I don't deserve the way he treats me. We basically stopped talking. We talk @ work on occasion but that's it. I know I have these feelings for him and I know he doesn't deserve me and my wonderfulness (haha) but I cant help it. I thought he liked me. Maybe @ one point he did. What I think is: (1)he likes me but hes afraid of what people will say b/c of my weight or(2) hes afraid b/c his last relationship ended up with him with a broken heart. I don't KNOW what to think anymore. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. Thanks. Missy